he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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