He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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