It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
