can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
