Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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