I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
