ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
whose parrot is this?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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