you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
