I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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