I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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