I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
