the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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