I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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