So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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