Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
