well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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