Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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