i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How does one acquire holy water?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
