i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
