I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
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Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
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There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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