if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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