just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
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Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
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Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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