I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I need moral support for this bender
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
