I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
