Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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