Pants 0. Shit 1.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
