I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
