is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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