My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
