Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
