I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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