I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
