you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
