just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
