i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
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