I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
