There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
