Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
