It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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