there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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