WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
