I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
