Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
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