The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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