i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
