Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
