Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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