Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
