I wish I could punch you in the face.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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