I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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