I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
