it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Randomize
