I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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