Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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