no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I touched a dick in church today
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
