You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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