I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
