Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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