Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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