i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
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